


small minds, blank eyes

by gingerbread man (xphantomhive)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cancer, Character Death, M/M, Post-Scratch, Title is from "All The Stars in Texas" by Ludo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2015-12-04
Packaged: 2018-05-04 20:25:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5347436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/gingerbread%20man
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you think you loved a boy like him once.</p><p>and you think he maybe, kinda, sorta, loved you too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	small minds, blank eyes

When the antiques store opens a block from your house, the first thing you buy there is a clock.

It isn’t worth what you pay for it. It has to be the oldest thing there, coated in a thick layer of dust and chipping white paint covered in deep red rust. It’s shaped like a gear, and you think, idly, that there are gears inside of it, too. The cashier gives you a bright smile, tells you that a lot of people have looked and touched, but no one has bought. You tell her that’s because it isn’t worth fifty dollars, and she asks you why you’re buying it, then. You shrug your shoulders and say because you’re a clock enthusiast, or some shit like that, and hand her a crumpled fifty from your jacket pocket.

She nods and smiles again, calls for someone in the back who appears with a half eaten piece of toast hanging from his mouth. She tells him to wrap your clock and put it in a bag; he groans, she glares, and he stuffs the rest of the toast into his mouth and does it anyway. They look similar, you think, with black hair and wide smiles. You think you knew a brother and sister who looked like them once. But you can’t remember.

+

Dave Strider, they call you. Just Dave, you reply. They still call you Dave Strider. You start to hate interviewers.

The kid at the antiques shop calls you Dave. Just Dave. He tells you that he’s a big fan of your movies, asks if it would be alright if he got an autograph, and you nod. He only calls you by your full name the first time, but you correct him, and he’s not an interviewer so he doesn’t blatantly ignore the request. Instead he smiles and says, okay, Dave. I’m John Crocker.

(something inside tells you no, that is not your name. but you dont say it out loud.)

He says that the girl who was working the counter a few days ago was his sister, Jade English, who changed her last name to spite their mother. You ask who his mother is, and he laughs at you, says, really, Dave, you don’t know, and you shake your head. He laughs again (he has a cute laugh, you think) and tells you that his mother is Betty Crocker. You tell him you feel like an idiot for not making the connection. He says that’s okay, a lot of people don’t.

(you think you knew a boy like him once. you think you loved him.)

+

Your visits to the antiques shop become more frequent, and before you know it, you’re going every day of the week. John is always there, and you ask him where Jade went, and he tells you that she’s still here, just in the back doing taxes and paying bills and all of that budget stuff because he tried once and messed everything up. You chuckle at him. He smiles in return, says, we got some new things from mom, you should go see them.

You do.

There are a few new clocks, some old pearls, and a polished grand piano. You ask him how much the piano costs, and he hesitates before telling you that some of the keys don’t work, so it’s only one hundred dollars. Then he asks, are you going to buy it, and you tell him probably. You ask in return, why does it matter? He gulps and looks away, tells you, no reason, really.

You prod until he gets fed up and all-but shouts, I want it, okay? I want the piano, and I’m being selfish because I don’t even have the money for it, but I’ve been teaching myself how to play on an old electric piano that doesn’t even make sound anymore and I can play moonlight sonata without even hearing it. You buy the piano anyway.

(you ask jade what johns address is, and she asks, why, are you going to start stalking my little brother? you say, no, and tell her that you bought a piano that he liked but didnt have enough money for, and you want him to have it. she softens and tells you his address, asks how you’re going to get it there without him knowing, and you tell her to take him somewhere so you can get it there. she nods, says, be careful of our mom, and youre sure to heed her warning.

you manage to sneak the piano in without john or his mother knowing.)

+

The day after you leave the piano at John’s house, you find him waiting for you at the door, leaned against a shelf of priceless books that Jade is warning him will fall over and crush him to death if he doesn’t move. He’s about to argue back when he sees you, and he throws himself at you and squashes you in a hug that hurts a lot more than it should for someone as scrawny and small as him. He cries into your chest and mumbles thank you, thank you so much, and you stand, frozen, eyes wide behind your shades.

He pulls away, smiles at you, and wipes the tears from his eyes.

(there is blood everywhere. on his face, his outfit, in his hair. he still smiles and you tell him to stop that, youre dying, dumbass, you shouldnt be this happy. and he replies, but dave, no one is going to die but me, and ill come back in another life and be ok, so its ok, dave. you tell him that youll probably never meet him in the other life. he tells you, i know, and dies in your arms with a smile on his face.

you scream his name loud enough to turn heads.)

+

There’s a new person behind the counter when you go to the antiques shop a week after buying the piano.

She has thin blonde hair that reaches her chin and heart-shaped black lips and pale skin like snow, and you think, briefly, she could be my sister. Her eyes are violet, you see when she flicks them over at you, and she gives you a small smile. She greets you like you’re just another customer, you ask her where John is, and she nods. Says oh, you’re Dave, Dave Strider, famous movie director who bought John a piano. Then she tells you that buying him things won’t make him love you, and you are taken aback. Is that really why she thinks you did that? She’s smiling coyly, and you think that means she was joking. You hope so.

Doesn’t matter if she was or not, so you open your mouth to defend yourself, but she’s already calling for John. He appears from the back, just like the first time you came here, and he smiles at the snarky bitch. Then he kisses her. You shift awkwardly. He sees you after that, blurts out, oh my god Dave, I’m so sorry, I didn’t even see you. Snarky bitch chuckles and leans against him. He laughs. You feel sick.

Who’s this, you force yourself to ask. He smiles breezily and kisses her cheek, smears her own lipstick on her face, and she smiles triumphantly, like you and her are competing for John’s love and she just won. This is Rose Lalonde, he responds. She’s my girlfriend. She’s an author! Isn’t that cool?

Yeah, real cool, you say. Cooler than the polar ice caps.

(you wonder if you should ask, is it cooler to be a movie director? would you like a movie director more? why dont you love me like you used to?

in the end, you say nothing at all.)

+

Seeing John and Rose being romantic makes you sick.

The kiss every three seconds, hold hands for the seconds they aren’t kissing, and are never separate. If you try to talk to John, Rose is always there, chiming in with her stupid little comments and opinions. When she does, you glare. John only smiles, and apparently being a snarky twat earns her a kiss, because he pecks her every single time she adds in her two cents. You want to punch her in the face.

+

On a snowy night in late November, John isn’t there when you go to the antiques shop. Rose explains that he’s ill, sick with pneumonia, stuck in the hospital. She’s the only one here. The rest of the Crocker family is with John, even his big bitch of a mother, who Rose explains has brief moments where she cares about John with her entire cold, black heart. You ask why she isn’t there. She says family only for the first twenty four hours, unless they think he’s going to die.

You have your hand on the door, ready to leave, but Rose stops you. She says, I know you love him, and, I’m sorry I took him from you. You stay where you are, hand pressed against the glass door, but you make no moves to leave. You don’t remember like I do, she says. You were the Knight, the protector. Your job was to protect John, not remember him. I was the Seer, she tells you; I was the Seer, my job was to see, to keep all of my memories and remember you and Jade and John and the game.

You ask, are you fucking high? She laughs. Yes, Dave, I am so high, she responds. I have all sorts of drugs back here. You should partake in some. You say, knew it, and she laughs again. But then she asks, do you remember anything? And you stand, silent, before replying, I remember that he loved me. That he died.

She asks if you remember his name. You say no.

It was John Egbert, she responds. Then she disappears into the back and you leave.

(john egbert, you remember, was your best bro. he was thirteen when he accidentally ended the world via giant meteor (TG: yes sir, we are literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter) and you loved him (TG: i love him) (TT: I know.) and you were separated from him for three years.

he controlled the wind, he was kind of an asshole, he played pranks that only he found funny, his eyes were blue, he could play piano, he liked shitty movies, and he hated anything betty crocker. and he maybe, kinda, sorta, loved you.)

+

The next time you go to the antiques shop, John is back. He’s sitting at a piano, another one that must be up for sale, you guess, and he’s playing a melody that’s sweet and slow and all-too familiar. You sit by him on the bench. He doesn’t even flinch. He plays the same tune over and over, screws up a few times, slams his hands down in frustration. It’s like he knows what he should be playing, remembers the base melody, but find the rest.

I have lung cancer, he says halfway through his third playthrough of the song since you’ve been here. It wasn’t pneumonia. They thought it was. We didn’t catch the cancer fast enough. Mom thought I had asthma. Jade and Rose did too.

You ask, how long?

He understands what you mean, which you’re thankful for. You don’t think you could ask the whole question, ask, how long until you die? He replies, two months. Three at most. The doctor says I should start on my bucket list, but I don’t have one.

He grabs your hand. He doesn’t make it dramatic, like in the movies; doesn’t kiss you or hug you or profess his everlasting love to you. He grabs your hand and squeezes it and that’s enough.

(its ironic, you think.

he was the heir of breath. the air, the breeze, the wind; they were his. they arent his anymore, and theyre making sure he knows that. its like a joke.

but it isnt very funny.)

+

John only gets sicker.

You wish going to the antiques shop didn’t make you sick, but it does. John is always playing that piano, trying to catch a melody he forgot long, long ago, and you always sit by him without saying a word. He talks to you sometimes. Sometimes he doesn’t say anything at all. He always holds your hand. If he’s feeling bold (or maybe its sadness, but you dont ask) he kisses you. But he runs out of air too fast, always too fast, and is sent desperately grappling for his cannula. You don’t ask what happened to him and Rose dating.

I remember, you know, he says one day. You’re surprised to hear him talk, and now you understand why he doesn’t. His voice is dry and crackly, the voice of a smoker. Except he’s never picked up a cigarette in his life. He keeps talking anyway. The game, dying, you and Rose and Jade and the trolls. I know I was the Heir of Breath. I know you loved me. I didn’t forget. I couldn’t.

(you guess none of you really forgot, per se.

your powers stuck with you in ways you could barely see. its in the way you seem to know what time it is without looking at your watch, the way jade can fire off facts about space without ever reading about it one in her life, the way rose seems to know everything before any of you, and the way john can always tell you when its going to rain and when its going to be windy and when theres going to be a storm.

you all remember subconsciously who you were in another life.)

+

Rose tells you the exact date John is going to die. You tell her the exact time. Jade tells you the location. You wish it was just a guessing game, but for the three of you, it isn’t. It’s fact. John Crocker (egbert) will die on January 13th, three months before his eighteenth birthday, at 10:30pm. He will die at the old antiques shop, playing the piano. You will be with him. He will finally remember the melody that he’s been trying to for a year.

+

You think John knows, in some way, that it’s his last day. He forces you to see a movie with him, drags you out to lunch and to the mall, makes Jade and Rose tag along after they’re finished with their double date, and at 9:30pm (one hour) he drags you to the antiques shop and tells Rose and Jade that they can’t come because this is a John and Dave thing. They don’t protest. They only smile and nod (but it doesnt reach their eyes. they look ready to cry).

He says, once you’re inside and both situated at the piano, I finally figured it out. And then he plays a flawless melody, one you’ve heard before, one you know he made by himself. He tells you it’s called Showtime, and you nod, say, I know. You have a watch on your wrist but you don’t have to check it to know that it’s 10:00 (thirty minutes).

You can play it again, you say. If you want to.

He does. He starts crying halfway through the second time, and you lean close and wrap an arm around his thin waist because you can’t hold his hand this time. He plays Showtime over and over, until his fingers stop moving. It’s 10:25 (five minutes) and his fingers have completely ceased movement. He looks at you and smiles. Says, I love you, Dave. You know that, right? You nod and reply, yeah, of course. I love you too.

He kisses you (two minutes) and stops when he starts wheezing. He grabs your hand and lays his head against your shoulder (one and a half minutes) and says, it’s going to rain pretty bad tomorrow. You know the forecast is calling for clear skies and sun, but the wind was never theirs, was it? They’re playing a guessing game. It’s going to be bad, he says. Hurricane-like winds, rain and lightning. Maybe even thunder. Stay inside, okay? (one minute) You nod, push back tears, and say, yeah, of course. (fifty seconds)

I mean it, he says. Don’t go outside. (thirty seconds) You shake your head at him, say, I know you mean it. I won’t go outside. (ten seconds)

Yeah, he says, smiling. I didn’t think you would. (one second)

You close your eyes. Open them. Close them again. Open them and force yourself to feel his pulse. He isn’t breathing and you can’t hear his heartbeat. You force yourself not to cry.

(you dont keep your promise to him. you go outside anyway. you have his funeral the next day, and just like he said there are hurricane-like winds and lighting and the occasional rumble of thunder. his funeral is full of people youve never seen before, probably distant relatives who barely even knew john but came to look like good people. it makes you sick.

hes wearing an ugly teal suit. rose leans over you, says, i think he wore a suit like that before. you say, yeah, and he died in it, too. she nods. her chin is on your shoulder. jade is tucked into your side, shivering even though she has a heavy jacket on.

they close his coffin. its blue. theres a symbol on it that looks like the wind, but no one knows what it means except for you, rose, and jade. no one asks. you dont tell. rose and jade cry when hes lowered into the ground, and you clench and unclench your fists. remind yourself to inhale, exhale. breath never was your thing. you were the time guy.

he looked peaceful, jade says, over a hot cup of coffee. rose nods. so do you. ive never seen him look that calm, jade speaks up again. you and rose nod for the second time. i miss him already, you say, and this time its jade and rose nodding at you.

you knew a boy like him once. you loved him.)

**Author's Note:**

> i tried out a no dialogue thing. i hope i did okay; this was my first fanfiction where i incorporated dialogue in a different style.
> 
> also, i still love post-scratch.
> 
> \+ i would like you to know that the things in parentheses were MEANT to lack in proper grammar and syntax. those were meant to come across more as dave's thoughts and feelings, and so i stuck to his quirk best i could for something like that.


End file.
